


I have been freed (of everything)

by everythingispoetry



Series: If die, only in Manhattan [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cancer, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Relationship Issues, Secret Identity, Slow Build, Terminal Illnesses, Triple Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-26 20:58:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/970215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingispoetry/pseuds/everythingispoetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>‘And now, you’ve got this superhero thing going on and as sweet as it is, as important as it might seem to you, I hate, I just hate when you say you can’t do this or that, when you refuse something that’d make you happy because of someone else. I preferred the selfish you. ‘Cause you were happier.'</em><br/>There is less and less time and Tony has many decisions to make while unforeseen issues arise. Sometimes it's too easy to forget that  there is a lot more is going on than just his internal struggle.<br/> <br/>(part 8: January 2013)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for this piece:[Tristania - Illusion](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7igwNolbfA)  
> Still fill for [this avengerkink prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/15292.html?thread=33895612#t33895612)
> 
> The title & quote come from a little play no one has ever read.
> 
> Beta by Kae and dri-dri93 <3

 

 

_i have been freed_

_of everything: past present future_

_my heritage and my dreams and_

_self-awareness_

_as if a little empty shadow_

_was taking the place of myself_

 

 

‘I don’t want to go back to New York,’ Tony tells Rhodey when they are observing the last fireworks. The colorful explosions are reflected in the ocean surface in a way Tony’s scientific mind can only admire for its perfection.

The rest of the crowd of five is still enjoying some of Tony’s best champagne; he only had a sip because of his meds. Rhodey refused to drink, wantingto keep Tony company despite his protests. It’s ironic: they used to get drunk _every_ time they could, since MIT, right until that time on the plane to Afghanistan. Then everything changed.

‘You _really_ don’t want to go back?’ Rhodey asks, tugging his hands into his jeans’ pockets, as if it was colder than it really is.

‘I guess not really,’ Tony says after a short pause. ‘I just – it’s warm here. It’s nice here. I like it here, you know this, it’s the first place I ever considered my home – and it’s not even mine at the moment, I guess. Or is it? Legally? When _Stark’s_ been missing for almost a year –’

‘Your life is one crazy thing,’ Rhodey comments, shaking his head as he chuckles drily.

‘Yeah, it is –’

‘And you like it like that.’

‘I do. Most of the time,’ Tony agrees, taking the empty champagne glass from the table nearby and starting to turn it around in his fingers, watching the lights play in the glass. ‘There’s this thing.’

‘So I figured,’ Rhodey says, knowing Tony’s way of talking too well to be misguided by Tony using half-sentences.

‘But you wouldn’t believe –’

‘Try me.’

‘It goes back to identity stuff. You know, the things we superheroes deal with all the time –’

‘And yet you’ve never tried _not_ to think about something this much,’ Rhodey ends the thought for Tony who laughs. Exactly.

‘Yes,’ he admits. ‘Two people know Nate’s Iron Man – Thor and Spider Man. And yes, I know who he is but no, I’m _not_ going to share. With anyone, not even with you. Code of honor, sorry –’

‘But that’s not the problem,’ Rhodey guesses right, he knows Tony too well for his own good.

‘No, it’s not,’ Tony sighs. ‘I might need to tell someone else. Cap. Steve. Captain. I might need to tell him.’

That makes Rhodey blink a few times and then turn around slowly to look at Tony who is still not sure he wants – or knows how – to share this _problem_ with Rhodey. With anyone else than JARVIS who know everything.

Tony’s pretty sure Rhodey recognizes his confused face instantly.

‘He told me he _likes_ me,’ Tony adds, a bit more quietly, so that no one else would hear. Not yet. ‘Well, he told Iron Man.’

‘He told you he _what_?!’ Rhodey asks, turning sharply to see in Tony’s face if he’s joking. He isn’t and Rhodey can surely see that. ‘How – how does that even _work_?’ he adds, frowning in a way that Tony reads as somewhere between curiosity and disbelief. He had similar reaction, but since then he’s been thinking – he just cannot keep that out of his head – and he’s getting closer to understanding. Probably. ‘I’m out. You guys have the weirdest problems.’

 ‘Iron Man is his closest friend,’ Tony explains, wondering how much he can tell without making it too personal and crossing the line. ‘As far as I know, he’s the only person Steve shares everything with. The rest of the team, he’s friends with them too, but they are kind of too involved with their own affairs and he doesn’t want to interrupt – also, we just, I guess, get along?’

Then there were all the late-night meetings, almost-intimate and certainly very personal talks, the _road trip_ , exchanging gifts, modern-life lessons, everything… Right.

‘And you feel bad for lying to him – only that it isn’t exactly not lying.’

‘That’s what he said,’ Tony admits, smiling fondly at the memory of Steve’s sincere and half-scared face back when they were having _that_ talk. ‘It’s not lying, not telling him my name or anything else. It’s protecting my identity. He said it’s fine, but I –’

‘Do you want that?’

Tony looks at Rhodey, raising his eyebrows, bursts out laughing and then waves at Pepper to signal her that they’re fine.

‘I’m dying, Rhodey. I can’t afford – any of that.’

Rhodey doesn’t reply, staring at Tony in this distant way he did when he found Tony in Afghanistan, sunburned and bloody and swooning from dehydration. Tony know Rhodey can tell the hollowness of his laughter so he doesn’t say anything else, just grins at Rhodey in a way that is completely transparent to the colonel, takes him arm and leads them to the other three people who constitute the party.

 

 

They come back to New York on January 3rd and with the beginning of 2013 Rhodey is starting his job as the manager of Army’s weapons contracts, with a horde of soldiers working under him, and he moves in to an apartment across the street from where Tony and Happy are staying.

‘I’ll expect dinners whenever I come,’ he says, patting Tony’s back and taking his suitcase out of the car. Scott flew home from Los Angeles, Doc stayed in California and they dropped Pepper at her apartment earlier, so it’s just the three of them. After they part a moment later, Tony takes his small bag and makes it upstairs, leaving Happy to take care of the Audi.

‘JARVIS, the team meeting is Sunday, right?’ he asks as soon as he’s inside the apartment.

‘As it has been for over a year, sir,’ JARVIS confirms, sounding significantly less sarcastic than normally. Tony would rather go for worried.

‘I have to talk to Steve,’ Tony agrees with the words the A.I. didn’t say. ‘And I have no idea what to tell him –’

‘Do you _have an idea_ what you would like to tell him, sir?’ JARVIS cuts in, his words firm and soft at the same time. ‘If you did not have to worry about anything? Would you say _yes_ then?’

‘I just don’t know, all right?’ Tony asks, throwing his hands up in the air as if he was in a movie. ‘I’ve never really been in a relationship, a real one that was supposed to last or be important to either side, and I have no idea how this is supposed to work – I mean, Steve did say he just wants to _know_ and it’d be okay, but it doesn’t seem _enough_ –’

‘So you would say yes, if it was the only question,’ JARVIS cuts in and Tony freezes in mid-movement, realizing that that’s what he’s just said, just in a typical Tony Stark evasive way. _It doesn’t seem enough._

He’d like to give Steve more.

Oh god.

Now, that’s _something_ he’s gotten himself into.

‘JARVIS, how long have I been doing – this?’ he asks, waving his hand vaguely at nothing in particular. Suddenly, the space he’s in feels stuffy and oppressive and strange and he feels like he needs more, some fresh air, _anything_. He makes his way to the workshop and manually opens one of the big windows, letting the cold winter-scented air sneak in through the narrow aperture. ‘No, don’t tell – how likely it is that he will feel totally betrayed when he learns Iron Man and Nate are the same person – Stark?’

‘I could calculate the probability based on Captain Rogers’ behavioral patterns I have in my database –’

‘JARVIS, rhetorical, don’t be creepy,’ Tony scolds the A.I., taking a random screwdriver in his hand only so that his hands can focus on something.

‘Sir, you have me do that all the time –’

‘Not on Steve, okay?’ Tony clarifies, then takes a sharp breath and laughs again. ‘Oh boy, J, I just – I never wanted things to get that complicated.’

‘Life is known for getting complicated,’ JARVIS comments, of course he does, and there is this warm mothering note in his artificial voice.

 

 

JARVIS was spot-on about life getting complicated because Steve is not there for the team meeting. Well, there isn’t much of a meeting, really, with Thor being away and Steve on mission with Natasha. Phil is back to working full-time, just not yet in the field, so he plays the boss and decides that they can hold the _2012 sum-up_ and strategy meeting the next week and everyone present agrees to that plan.

There’s a short training they hold just because they want. Iron Man has a few rounds with Hulk and when Bruce is back to his small self, Tony has Clint make sure he eats and replenishes depletes his energy levels and Iron Man leaves.

He meets with Peter at the big workshop and shows him some more science toys that they haven’t played with yet and they get lost in work. It’s only when JARVIS reminds Tony that they should eat – JARIVS-speak for _Sir, take your medicines_ – that Tony glances at the clock and notices that it’s already seven p.m. It’s hard to tell time inside the window-less space, especially when it’s dark outside all the time anyway.

‘Want to grab some dinner?’Tony signs and JARVIS puts it into words, making Peter turn around with his eyes narrowed.

‘Dinner?’

‘Yes, it’s this meal people usually eat in the evening in this country?’

‘…Thanks for the explanation,’ Peter rolls his eyes. ‘I have just never seen you eating. I mean. Either of you,’ Peter explains, turning around in Tony’s favorite rotating chair by the screen where they were observing some simulations. ‘That’s gonna be one of a kind experience – that’s right, we can sneak into a casual place with lots of normal people and they won’t know we’ve saved their asses, like, million times – oh. Yes. I get why that sounds familiar.’

Tony chuckles with amusement – it’s such a typical Spider Man comment – and grabs his very warm coat.

‘You like burgers?’

‘Of course I like burgers,’ Peter huffs, as if any other answer was a crime, and adds, ‘But you’ll buy me onion rings, right?’

‘Sure,’ Tony replies, rolling his eyes, and puts on his special gloves that let him type on his tablet even through the special Tony-designed snow/rain protection case.

They get burgers and onion rings and muffins and Tony lets Peter finish the food he can’t eat himself, luckily without Peter questioning him about that – maybe people just figure he’s thin so he doesn’t need to eat much – and instead they reminisce some of the last year’s team moments.

It’s simply nice, to meet up with someone, get some food and talk. It’s pleasant to do something instead of trying to fall asleep; Tony is tired but his thoughts keep spinning. It’s been happening more and more, it’s probably never been an issue before when Tony wasn’t ill and his body could keep up with his brain.

Back at home, sleeping doesn’t seem possible again.

‘I guess I do need my fresh air again, J,’ Tony decides after spending an hour on the sofa, with a movie murmuring in the background, trying to just fall asleep.

‘I strongly recommend staying inside, sir. The temperature outside is very low, in addition to the snow precipitation of the last few days.’

‘I’m gonna go _crazy_ in here,’ Tony whines, shuddering as he peels the blanket off his body and the slightly colder air engulfs him. ‘Okay, I guess we’re gonna fly.’

‘I will prepare Mark XII for you, sir,’ JARVIS declares, knowing better than to argue with Tony – at least he can control the temperature inside the suit and make sure it will be pleasantly warm.

Tony puts on some proper clothing, lets the armor wrap around his body, and a moment later he’s flying over the city and the ocean and alone the highways going out of New York’s heart like arteries; he can see the frozen white-covered land down there and it glistens and shines and seems unreal, colored with neons’ and lamps’ light, like one big Christmas decoration. Or maybe like a gigantic Disneyland seen from afar.

‘It’s 2013, J,’ he says at some point, even though JARVIS knows that perfectly; the date and time and a set of other data is displayed on the suit’s HUD all the time.

‘Yes, sir,’ JARVIS replies, waiting for elaboration that will surely come.

‘You know what I just decided?’

‘No,’ JARVIS replies unsurely. ‘I do not possess the power of mind-reading, sir, no matter what you say sometimes. Not yet.’

Tony chuckles at the comment – JARVIS really seems to have that ability – and then grins.

‘I had this idea you’ll like, baby. I thought – it’s 2013, right? It’s been over two years since my first… diagnosis. Over a year since I got _the news_. We’ve been through this, I know, but be patient,’ Tony rambles, knowing that JARVIS is listening attentively, as always. ‘I don’t know how much time I’ve got left, exactly, no one knows,’ he says in a quieter voice, calmer than he thought he would manage. ‘I’ve got this whole nice set of medical exams and tests next month and we’ll know better, but for now, it’s – not long. It won’t be long. And then today, with Peter, it was just so simple to be with him, so interesting, like move nights and random sparring sessions and everything, and I just thought – I think I don’t want to avoid that anymore.’

‘Sir, are you saying that –’

‘I’m not revealing my identity to everyone, no,’ Tony explains decisively. ‘I just won’t stop Nate from doing what we enjoy. No taking steps back. No hiding from people because I _want_ to do things I enjoy and if by my own decisions-slash-mistakes I ended up being happy among that infernal group of madmen, then so be it.’

‘I am very glad you made this decision, sir.’

‘You would,’ Tony laughs. ‘That’s what you’ve been wanting me to do, socialize. And I guess it _is_ nice.’

‘And Captain Rogers?’

Tony pauses for a longer moment, fixing his eyes on the world bellow him to which he is invisible, on the regular patterns of streets and houses that are so familiar and _calming_ , and when he finally speaks up, he hopes JARVIS will confirm his words.

‘You know, today when we were gossiping with Peter, he said this one thing – he said he’s been around HQ more since that time he disappeared and he talked to Steve and at some point Steve told him he likes Iron Man and Nate the same, and it got me thinking, right? Did he lie to Peter or did he not tell everything to me? And – I don’t know, but I guess he might suspect something. About Iron Man and Nate. So I just talk to him and try to get him to tell me what I want to hear.’

‘I admit that specific words did make me curious, too, sir, but I do not have any answers for you. Will it be Iron Man asking?’

‘It will,’ Tony agrees. ‘Now, take me home. It’s 4 a.m. already, I might as well go and do some work before the clinic.’

‘As you wish, sir,’ JARVIS replies and flies the suit back home.

 

 

During the week, Tony hangs out with Doc and Happy – they even go to movies and watch something really brainless and have lots of bad popcorn – and spends his evenings flying. Sleeping seems to be easier after some time in the air so Tony takes full advantage of that and enjoys the calmness and the detachment that it gives him. He spends the days working and longing for sun and warmth that would reach his bones.

He’s also pretty sure that he childishly doesn’t want to sum anything up or make long-term plans.

At least radiation goes surprisingly smoothly this time and he doesn’t even have to get too much rest which is pretty lucky because he really feels up to some team training. He took an additional dose of antiemetic in case he has to do some weird acrobatics in the suit.

Tony somehow manages to sit through the discussion part of the meeting, with everyone but Thor present this time, even if he’s talking less than usually which makes both Steve and Peter glance at him more often than necessary.

The training is shorter than normal, given that there was a partial one last week, and Tony finds himself desperately wishing the minutes would stretch into hours, giving him more time before he talks to Steve, but they don’t and much sooner than he’d like, he ends up alone with Cap.

‘Steve, I need to talk to you,’ _Iron_ _Man_ says when everyone has left the room. Steve gives him a small smile and nods curtly.

‘Maybe we could go to my rooms? It’s snowing outside, so the roof…’ he trails of, shuddering a bit, and Tony understands the dislike of snow perfectly.

‘Of course,’ he answers shortly and follows Steve through the long corridors of the building.

‘I didn’t actually expect you to really think about _that_ ,’ Steve admits as soon as the doors are closed and locked. Tony bites his lip, even though it’s not visible to Steve, and takes in the room’s look: it’s big and full of light, despite the gloomy weather; Steve must have chosen the part of the mansion that has biggest windows in addition to being on the south-western side of building. There are many big plants, creating a greenish glow, and a few basic pieces of furniture. It all just screams _Steve_ and Tony can’t help but relax a bit and smile at this obvious translation of Steve into the space around him.

He is, after all, an artist.

‘Steve,’ he starts, gaining full attention from Cap who’s been staring at something Tony can’t quite catch. ‘I’m gonna be – blunt with you, okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Steve says and his voice is suddenly subdued and he – he looks _small_ , as much as it’s possible with someone his built, and something twists in Tony’s stomach.

‘That’s not – that’s not what you think, at least I think it’s not,’ he says, feeling as if his brain didn’t want to cooperate, but there’s no way he can just walk out and go back to this conversation.

‘It will make everything easier, sir,’ JARVIS reminds him quietly, that little sneak, and Tony nods slightly.

‘I know,’ he tells JARVIS and then takes a breath and asks Steve, ‘Do you have any guesses about my identity?’

Now it’s Steve’s time to suck in air and stare, but he’s Captain America and he doesn’t lie – no, he is _Steve_ and he doesn’t lie.

‘I do – but,’ he pauses for a fraction of second, Tony wouldn’t notice if he wasn’t looking for hesitation, ‘You seem to know that already –’

‘Can you tell me?’ he asks softly, JARVIS translating the tone into Iron Man’s metallic voice.

‘I –’ Steve starts, and then shakes his head unsurely. ‘Should I? I mean, if I guess wrong –’

‘I will tell you if you guess wrong,’ Iron Man declares and Tony hopes so fucking much that Steve will say what Tony thinks he will because he’d prefer _not_ to correct wrong assumptions. It’d just make things more difficult and complicated than they already are and that would be something.

They are still standing in the middle of the room, both in their Avengers suits, and it must look pretty ridiculous from the outside, Tony realizes, even if there is no one to see that. Other than Ijon and JARVIS maybe, but they – don’t count.

‘You are Nate,’ Steve says and then presses his lips together as if he didn’t believe he really said that, but it takes him only a moment to add, ‘Right? Because otherwise it’d be pretty weird –’

‘I am. Glad you guessed right, I think’ Tony says, not taking the armor off yet. He is _Nate_ underneath, sure thing, sans glasses he has hidden inside the suit, but it’s still – he needs a bit more time. A moment to breathe in relief. ‘You said you like Iron Man and Nate the same,’ he adds before he can really think what those words sound like, but then it’s done. ‘Yet you asked Iron Man –’

‘He’s a friend,’ Steve replies quickly – and then burst out laughing. Tony watches him, completely mesmerized, the sound of Steve’s amused voice making him relax slightly. ‘I don’t know, it just – it felt more natural –’

‘And if it turned out you were wrong, you preferred him over Nate.’

‘I know him much better,’ Steve explains and it’s a _yes._ ‘You. This is – oh,’ Steve sighs. ‘It’s a mess.’

‘I don’t mind,’ Tony assures him. ‘Weren’t you – mad? I thought you’d be mad ‘cause not telling Iron Man’s identity might be a thing, but this Nate thing, you know, being around you on both fronts –’

‘I was kinda stunned when I came to this conclusion,’ Steve says, blushing slightly. ‘More awed than angry, I guess, you’re – it’s brilliant, to keep your act up like that –’

‘But it didn’t fool you,’ Tony interjects, letting Steve words sink in and trying to understand how can Cap not feel betrayed but rather fascinated with Nate playing Iron Man.

In a way that’s good: no one expects there to be a third person. No one is looking for Tony Stark here.

‘It did for a long time,’ Steve admits. ‘I respect that.’

‘What gave me away?’ Tony asks because he can guess but he’s too curious – and also, it’s research. So that he can avoid any of those mistakes in the future.

‘Nothing in particular and everything at once,’ Steve says and laughs again, though this time it’s shorter and somehow nervous; he clasps his hands together and twirls his fingers like a kid in trouble and Tony can’t help but think it’s absolutely adorable. Despite the situation. ‘I just have too much time on my hands – I don’t really have anything to do unless there’s a mission, otherwise I just stay at HQ and train or read or draw or do all those little things and have nothing else to occupy my head with…’ he pauses to take a breath and then sighs. ‘So, one thing, there’s a similarity in the way you both move, it’s – it’s difficult to explain, it’s nothing obvious ‘cause the suit makes the movements more mechanical, sharper, slower in a way – unless you are fighting – but there’s this certain way you’re holding yourself – both Iron Man and Nate are – and I just kind of noticed that all of sudden one time you – as Nate – were checking up on Ijon –’

‘And then you started to wonder because you had nothing better to do,’ Tony concludes, making a mental note to try to see the _way of holding himself_ that Steve mentioned.

That’s the thing, Tony realizes: Steve _is_ _anartist_. He notices things other people don’t, in shapes and movements and light. He notices things no one else is looking for.

It’s – dangerous.

‘Then? Then I figured I’ve never seen you two at the same time, admittedly that’s not conclusive because I don’t see neither Iron Man nor Nate very often, but it was something, and then they both kind of disappeared after the cave incident,’ Steve keeps explaining, turning around and walking towards the kitchenette and Tony follows him a few steps behind.

Steve’s making _tea_. That’s so like him.

‘And then there was this one time you rushed off to the bathroom and then babbled – Iron Man did, I guess? – something about security protocols that I knew nothing about, despite designing each piece of the safety system with Nate – and that was a red flag. I think. And then it all just seemed… probable, I guess? Not impossible?’

‘You –’ Tony starts, but he’s not sure what to say, his eyes fixed on an actual kettle on the stove, letting out bouts of mist. ‘That’s very observant,’ he says because he’s still feeling a bit surreal – even though he came here with the intention to leave Steve knowing Nate is Iron Man.

‘If it weren’t for this relationship thing, I don’t think I would have ever noticed –’

‘How so?’ Tony questions, titling his head and blinking behind the faceplate. JARVIS doesn’t have any suggestions preceding Steve’s words and Tony wishes he did.

‘I wouldn’t have observed you so closely, of course,’ Steve replies as if it was obvious and Tony gapes; just a second later the kettle whistles at the water starts boiling and Steve pours it over English teabags in a teapot. Tony can smell the soft pleasant scent even inside the suit – _JARVIS_. That sneaky creature. ‘So I don’t know why you were hiding Nate being Iron Man, I am sure you had your reasons I do not expect you to share with me – but maybe we could… you know, now? Since you told me? Maybe –’

‘So, I should take the suit off and let our words become real?’ Tony asks, raising one eyebrow at JARVIS. ‘J, how do I keep getting myself into stuff this lovely and complicated?’

‘That’s you special talent,’ JARVIS reminds him politely, making Tony snicker. ‘Breathe, sir.’

‘I just – I don’t really speak when I’m not in the suit,’ Tony warns Steve, taking a deep calming breath. ‘Ijon will translate, though,’ he adds and then gives JARVIS a sign to unwrap the armor from his body and 1.6 seconds later Mark XI is standing next to Tony who is in Nate’s favorite shirt and chinos, it takes him another 3 seconds to put on glasses – more disguise just to be safe – and then he looks up at Steve who suddenly seems at least two inches taller.

‘Tea?’ Steve asks simply and there’s a long awkward moment of silence when Tony tries to make his genius brain work and understand what Steve is asking about, but then he nods firmly and sits downy by the kitchen table.

‘Thank you,’ Ijon translates Tony’s signs into Nate’s voice. Steve smiles.

‘I know that sign,’ he says and pours them both the hot tea.

‘I feel surreal,’ Tony says and Steve gives him a sharp look. ‘Not in a bad way, just – being out like this. It always –’ he starts and Ijon says that aloud – JARVIS _wouldn’t_ , but Ijon is far from being as perceptive as his older brother – and Steve freezes.

‘It _always_?’ he asks, sounding more curious than anything else. Strange. But Steve surprised Tony all the time with how understanding he is. ‘Does – do the others know?’

‘Thor and Spider Man,’ Tony admits, deciding that there’s no point in lying if Steve himself knows. It’s kind of splitting the team in two – those who know and those who don’t – but it won’t be an issue as long as they all know how to keep a secret. And Tony trusts them to.

‘Wow,’ Steve says, sitting down, and fixes his eyes on Tony – on Nate. Then there’s silence but Tony can almost hear Steve’s thought crawling through his brain.

‘So about that talk we had – you said you’d think –’ Steve finally breaks the silence, putting the cup with still too hot tea on the small decorated plate with a clatter that seems to echo in the vast room.

All the emotions and the aesthetically pleasing surroundings makes Tony feel as if he were in a movie. A strange indie movie. Somewhere in a different world.

‘I’m sorry, Steve,’ Tony signs and does his best to ignore the way Steve’s face falls. He just – he just _can’t_. Like he told Rhodey: he’s dying and he can’t afford any of what Steve wants, of what Steve deserves.

Friendship is something different because it’s so much less. _Best friends_ , something he’s been doing with Steve so far, is too much already. Not to mention and actual relationship. A _romantic_ one.

‘I think you should be angry with me for not telling you about Nate,’ he adds truthfully. ‘I would understand that. I don’t understand you not being angry, but maybe that’s me. You’re a very different person,’ Tony chuckles drily. Steve doesn’t say anything.  ‘I know I told you I liked you and I really do, but I just can’t –’

‘I could – I could be with Nate, not Iron Man,’ Steve cuts in and Tony cringes just a bit. ‘That would be much more doable, you know, physically –’

‘That’s not it –’

‘Then what is it?’ Steve asks, his voice more fierce and raw that Tony has ever heard.

Okay, so he wants to beat himself up for disappointing Steve like that now – only that he is perfectly aware that it’s not his fault. At all. That’s just – that’s cancer. Dying. _Circumstances_. Things he can’t help and he’s accepted that by now.

Not completely, it seems, but he’s getting there.

‘I can’t tell you,’ he signs and Ijon says it for him in a normal voice; Tony wishes it was a whisper like he’d say it in his own voice, audible to no one but a supersoldier. ‘There are more secrets than just Nate – and I can’t share. Really. And I told you: I will not lie to you.’

‘And I told you I don’t mind not telling everything–’

‘No, Steve,’ Tony signs, giving Steve a pointed look. ‘No. Don’t do this. I wanted you to know about these two identities and honestly, I was hoping you would be angry,’ Tony admits and surprises even himself by actually using those words, much bolder than he’d expect of himself, but somehow it seems fitting now. Being painfully honest. ‘It would be easier if you were angry at me. Wait,’ he adds when he sees Steve wants to say something. ‘There are things I don’t want to share because they will hurt you – and it’s the truth. I would never hurt you intentionally, so I – we can’t do this.’

‘Iron Man – Nate –’

‘I really want to be your friend,’ Tony adds, standing up, leaving the half-empty teacup on the table. ‘I hope it’s still possible.’

‘Yes, of course, I just don’t think –’

‘Steve,’ Tony signs, standing in front of the armor. ‘I’m sorry.’

Then the suit is around him in 1.7 seconds, 0.1 second more to put it on than to take it off, and he walks out of the room feeling like a total asshole.

‘JARVIS, please, can you explain me why wasn’t he mad at me? He should have been, right?’ Tony asks a bit shakily as he makes his way towards the roof, ignoring everything outside of the suit.

‘It seems to me that Captain Rogers is rather… smitten with you, sir,’ JARVIS replies, sounding more reluctant than usually, as if he was afraid how those words will affect Tony. ‘And that seems to have such effect on people.’

‘You manage to be a smartass even when you’re being nice and considerate,’ Tony comments unnecessarily and a moment later he’s in the air.

Back at home, he has JARVIS recreate Steve’s room as a 3D hologram for him and stares at the colorful-but-bluish projection – that’s thanks to the new generations of holograms he’s been working on, the prototype is pretty impressive – and wishes he could be there.

He might have decided to do what he wants and what makes him happy, but letting someone fall in love with him and encourage it when he _doesn’t have time_ doesn’t count. It’s nothing but cruel.

 

 

Next morning Tony gets pretty distracted from the thoughts that kept him up most of the night because it’s an anniversary he completely forgot about. Happy didn’t, so he went outside to get a stack of newspapers, ranging from trashy to serious, and put them on the table next to Tony’s breakfast.

‘I wonder what they’re writing about Stark today, boss,’ he says, ignoring Tony’s strange apathy. Tony is thankful for that. ‘It’s exactly a year since you were declared missing.’

‘Oh boy,’ Tony sighs, burying his face in his hands and groaning.

‘I’m sure we’ll just _love_ today’s news,’ Happy adds cheerfully and Tony can’t help but smile a bit.

‘I don’t even want to know,’ Tony sighs and focuses on his food; JARVIS was nice enough to change the news channel to a weather one and some pretty lady is reciting high temperatures for the whole state with a practiced ease to her soft voice.

‘They say you moved to a tropical island with a harem of girls and endless rum supply to indulge your drinking habit,’ Happy informs him a few minutes later in a fake serious voice. ‘Not that it’s a new one.’

‘JARVIS, do I even own a tropical island – well, does Stark?’ Tony asks, looking up at the ceiling. He really isn’t sure.

‘You used to own three islands on the Pacific between 1996 and 2002, sir, when you declared there was _too much sun_ and sold them to a Chinese billionaire.’

‘I vaguely remember that,’ Tony admits, feeling like laughing at himself. Well. He was a pretty irresponsible back then. It feels as if it happened in a different age at least. Different epoch.

‘I liked those palm trees,’ Happy whines with a note of nostalgia in his voice.

‘We have palm trees in Malibu –’

‘I have a palm tree in my room. In a gigantic pot,’ Happy says. Tony gapes. ‘What? I thought I could decorate my room the way I wanted. But I’ve got to admit I’m pretty surprised you didn’t peek inside recently.’

‘I have JARVIS for that if I wanted,’ Tony points out and then pushes his empty plate away. ‘Does that mean we can drag your palm tree out of you room, put it in the middle of the living room and have colorful cocktails?’

‘When you’re back from radiation, I guess that sounds good – we’ll just need to swing by some shop to get supplies, but yeah, boss.’

‘Let’s do that,’ Tony declares, standing up to go to his room and get ready for his visit at the clinic.

It doesn’t take long for them to come back home with bags full of fancy syrups, juices and a range of coconut snacks to match the theme; the transformation of the living room is ready in less than half an hour and then they lay down on a thick stack of blankets and cushions, JARVIS keeping the temperature higher than usual to that they can wear just shorts and t-shirts, and playing a soft murmur of the ocean in the background, and they talk and then watch movies and Tony doesn’t even notice when he falls asleep.

 

 

When Tony wakes up he is still on the floor, covered with a thick duvet, and all the lights are turned off. Including the sun. The sound of the waves is still lingering around, mixed with a soft noises coming from the kitchen. And two voices, barely audible.

Tony sits up slowly, grabs one of the blankets and wraps it around his shoulder – the room seems to be pretty cool when he slides out from under the covers – and waits a moment to make sure there won’t be any sudden-change-of-position dizzy spell. Then he makes his way across the dark room and smiles as soon as he sees into the half-open kitchen.

‘I didn’t hear you coming, platypus,’ he greets Rhodey who is stirring something in a pan with a wooden spoon while Happy is chopping vegetables. Ceramic knife, wooden cutting board, to minimize the noise. That’s so sweet of them.

‘Happy mentioned you just fell asleep halfway through a discussion of the original Stak Trek cast. Must have been pretty tired to do that,’ Rhodey adds with a slight undertone of worry that no one else lets themselves show.

‘Yeah, I guess,’ Tony agrees and sits in one of the tall chairs by the island. ‘Didn’t know you were coming.’

‘I didn’t know I was either,’ Rhodey chuckles, turning his eyes back to the thing he’s cooking. ‘Turned out I had a free afternoon so I run some errands and decided to swing by – talked with Happy while you were asleep. We’re having curry chicken. With coconut milk. I hear that’s a theme today.’

‘Like coconut milk,’ Tony murmurs, setting his elbows on the table and propping his head on his hands.

‘No sleeping at the table,’ Rhodey scold him, rolling his eyes, and Happy nods vigorously. ‘Wait for that until after you’ve eaten, I can’t let you run around on nothing but breakfast and couple of glasses of colorful juices.’

‘Had all of my 5-a-days,’ Tony protests weakly, knowing that he does need the food – and to be honest he is a bit hungry. That’s new. ‘But okay. ‘Cause of the coconut milk.’

‘Smart move,’ Rhodey comments, taking off his pot from the stove, making Tony feel like he’d regret any different answer.

After the dinner Happy retreats to his room and leaves Tony and Rhodey resting on the sofa, staring at the admittedly impressive palm tree. Tony’s eyes are closing involuntarily after a few moments of silence – he really must be more exhausted after the weekend _and_ radiation than he thought – but Rhodey speaks up before he can fall asleep.

‘You had team training yesterday. JARVIS told me.’

‘Ugh,’ Tony grunts, knowing exactly where this is going and as much as he understands Rhodey’s concern and curiosity, he doesn’t know how to approach the whole Steve situation. ‘I run away,’ he says finally and Rhodey tilts his head.

‘Before or after you two talked?’

That bastard. He knows Tony too well to be fooled.

‘After,’ Tony admits. ‘There were some hints – I was almost sure he guessed about Iron Man and Nate, you know, congratulations to him ‘cause he’s the first one to do it all by himself, and he confirmed that and now he knows that piece of the puzzle and he told me he’d be okay with _being_ _with_ Nate. You know. Easier. Physically.’

‘And you got scared and run away –’

‘I guess I did, but what was I supposed to do?’ Tony asks, the question honestly lacking fierceness. It’s more like a plea. ‘I told him we couldn’t do that because there’s still too much he doesn’t know and that he’ll end up hurt. He said he doesn’t care and he sounded genuine because he is _Captain America_ and if anyone could say something like that genuinely, it’s him. He kept insisting –’

‘– and you fled even though you wanted to say _yes_.’

‘Just how much did JARVIS tell you?’ Tony half-questions, half-sighs. ‘I – I’m not sure, all right? I don’t know what he really wants. _He_ doesn’t know what he really wants. Also, me and you, we’ve been through this.’

‘Tony, I know this is difficult for you –’

‘– not that it really matters –’

‘– but I wish you were selfish about this.’

‘Selfish?’ Tony repeats, staring at Rhodey unsurely.

‘You know what selfish means here?’

Tony pauses for a long moment.

‘I guess I don’t,’ he admits. Rhodey shakes his head with this tiny smile he always does when he acts like Tony’s big brother.

‘It means not feeling guilty whatever decision you make.’

‘… I guess I can try,’ Tony promises, his voice soft, closing his eyes. ‘Sleep?’

‘Yeah,’ Rhodey agrees and makes sure Tony is in bed before leaving.

 

 

The next morning, after radiation, Nate makes his way to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ to meet up with his team for the first time in 2013. He suffers through the _what we accomplished_ and the _plans_ talks with a straight face and then gives a concise report on his part of the job, gaining approving nods from his colleagues and then listens to their reports half-heartedly.

As soon as the meeting is done, he wants to go to Fury to give him a status update on the still-unnamed-baby when he hears his – Tony Stark’s, alright – name and he stops, deciding that he’d like to hear what S.H.I.E.L.D. whispers about the case.

Coulson did mention some conspiracy theories when he met Iron Man, but Tony never bothered to dig and see what exactly that was about.

He must be fate’s favorite because there is a full-blown discussion about Stark going on, obviously prompted by yesterday’s anniversary. Before he manages to get a hang of what exactly they are talking about, someone notices him looming in the corridor.

‘Hey, Rives, c’mere, we were just talking about something… You weren’t here last year after Stark’s disappearance? Right?’

‘ _Came in a few months later_ ,’ Tony confirms.

‘There was this guy, he’s from other base, you wouldn’t know him – he had this working theory that Stark never stopped making weapons, just moved places and had been working undercover ever since –’

‘ _And someone believed him_?’ Tony asks, scoffing soundlessly; he’d never expect something that bold and silly –

‘Well, it’s not like there are no pointers,’ another man speaks up in a deep voice. Tony has never met him before so he glances at the tag: Agent Grant, level 5, R&D.

‘ _As in_?’

‘Well, I’m in the weapons section of R&D. We design stuff fitted for whatever out field agents have to deal with, some crazy stuff, and we started coming across some very nifty arms maybe two, three months after Stark disappeared. Supposedly coming from Africa, but as much as we’ve tried, we haven’t been able to trace the source.’

‘ _That sounds serious_ ,’ Tony types distractedly, thought already racing. Stark Industries’ weapons have been the best of the best for a few decades, so it’s quite understandable why someone would assume Stark could be involved.

Only that Tony isn’t and it’s the first time he’s hearing about the whole situation and that means he’s gonna have a few sleepless nights with JARVIS.

‘It is –’

‘Have you ever met Stark in person?’ someone asks from the back of the crowd and Tony shakes his head for no. ‘Pity, maybe you could’ve helped us with one thing –’’

‘ _That is_?’

‘We were trying to solve a bet ‘bout how long would it take Stark to reverse engineer Chitauri tech and then build something on his own, since our R&D alien team can’t do anything more than make it work.’

‘ _A day. From what I know about him_ ,’ Nate types, snickering. Tony could do that in less than a day, if he wanted, but _wanting_ is the keyword.

Iron Man helped with reverse engineering but he claims to be unable to help them further and the others’ tries at copying the weapons design have been unsuccessful. Tony is very glad: he doesn’t want to make weapons. But if _Stark_ wanted, it would be pretty quick.

‘Wish we could take your word for it, I’d win a good few hundred bucks –’

‘ _Is it normal that you make bets about everything? Even something you can’t resolve?’_

‘When you’re on the base for a few weeks, everything is a good idea,’ someone laughs and the others agree enthusiastically. ‘Though sometimes we find some way to get a relatively definite answer –’

‘ _You should ask Director Fury. Since he knows everything_ ,’ Tony types and then waves at them and makes his way through the group, heading for the director’s office.

JARVIS will tell him later if the men had balls to actually come and ask Fury.

‘ _You wanted to see me_ ,’ Nate shows the tablet to Fury as soon as enters the room, the words already waiting.

‘I just wanted to ask how is your job going, Rives. Do you have a date for me?’

‘ _Ready in 3 weeks_.’

‘I will make sure to be around New York in three weeks then. How was the meeting?’

‘ _Technical_ ,’ Tony types and Fury scoffs when he sees the word.

‘I hope your team will get the shit together and give me something soon, I’m sick of waiting ages to kindly hear from other agencies who think they have some power over us since they have information.’

‘ _Good that they don’t know you use unofficial channels if you have to_ ,’ Nate types and then smirks a little when Fury glares at him with a mixture of anger and curiosity.

‘You sure know your way around here, Rives.’

‘ _You know I’m the best_ ,’ Tony types and then stands up, raising one eyebrow questioningly.

‘Yeah, I do. Well, that’s all, now get the hell out of here and be prepared for a _talk_ when you come here next time. There are a few matters we need to discuss.’

Tony nods curtly and leaves the room quickly, exhaling tiredly as soon as the door closes behind him. Fury doesn’t appear to be exactly aware of how much Nate knows and that’s perfect; a little blackmail material never hurt anyone.

 

 

Tony spends the rest of the week waking up too early and arriving at the clinic too early – when the city is still bathed in artificial light reflected in white blankets of snow covering everything – and then working too long and sleeping a lot.

He and JARVIS had a little talk about that weapons the agents mentioned and JARVIS is looking for anything that S.H.I.E.L.D. might have missed, but it seems that whoever is behind this is extremely cautious and nothing of importance turns up so far, to Tony’s disappointment. 

There is, as always these days, too much to do, but Tony is determined to take his time and _not_ hurry.

‘I want work to be pleasure as much as it is a duty,’ he tells JARVIS when they’re both working on miniaturizing the brainwave-reading system for communication – the same Nate supposedly uses in Iron Man armor – in a way that would make it cheaper and easier to manufacture without losing too much precision. It’s proving to be a tough challenge, but Tony is pretty sure he can do it in a few weeks.

‘You do not have to force yourself to do anything you do not want to,’ JARVIS states simply, showing Tony 87% completeness of the newest simulation. ‘It is a pleasure to see you working, sir.’

‘I’ll miss it,’ Tony says and just after the words have escaped his mouth he realizes what he’s just said. They… haven’t exactly been talking about what has to happen in a few months. Several months. When he will be – unable to work. Not with JARVIS, not with his doctors. He’s still running away from it, in a way. ‘But,’ he sighs, ‘When we’re on that: how’s our inventory?’

‘I ordered a list of Howard Stark’s personal items that are in a storage unit in one of Los Angeles’ Stark International facilities, as you asked. The items are being catalogued as we speak, sir. The list should be ready at the beginning of the next week.’

‘Perfect,’ Tony murmurs, taking a sip of his coffee, and stares at the screen that show _complete_ and a second later the simulation shows up on the holographic display so Tony makes his way to have a look.

 

 

Rhodey comes over on Sunday. Happy is out of town so it’s the two of them tinkering in the ‘shop and eating pizza, having mostly quiet time, until Rhodey breaks the silence.

‘You’ve been avoiding Steve.’

‘Rhodey, don’t be ridiculous, it’s been just a week since I talked to him –’ Tony starts to protest, but Rhodey doesn’t really let him talk.

‘You told me you’d think about it and it doesn’t seem to me like you did. I know, you’re gonna give me the _it’s complicated_ crap, but admit it, you didn’t even let yourself think about that. And all that when you basically admitted you want to say yes – that you fucking care for him.’

‘I’m sick of talking about this,’ Tony states, standing up abruptly and ignoring the slight dizziness in his head. ‘Alright? I don’t fucking want this story to sneak into every damn moment of my life, I just wanted to hang out with you and you’re making this – some kind of a teary confession thing –’

‘That’s _so_ not what’s going on here –’

‘– and it doesn’t matter what I would have done –’

‘– we talked about being selfish –’

‘– because it can’t. Fucking. Happen. Now. I’d have to tell him everything –’

‘Did you really think you’ll keep you secrets away from everyone forever?’ Rhodey asks but Tony promptly ignores him; yes, he thought – or more like hoped he would.

‘– and I can’t –’

‘You know what, Tony?’ Rhodey interrupts him firmly, putting his hands on Tony’s shoulders. ‘You know what? I’m gonna say this once because I think it’s inappropriate and I don’t want to ever tell you this again. Sometimes I think I preferred you before – all this.’

Tony freezes, feeling as if he was just slapped in the face, but Rhodey ignores that and keeps talking.

‘You know why? ‘Cause back then you took everything you wanted. Before Afghanistan, you could be the biggest douche in the town and it was fine because you were charming and everyone loved you and you were fucking happy. Okay? And now, you’ve got this superhero thing going on and as sweet as it is, as important as it might seem to you, I hate, I just _hate_ when you say you can’t do this or that, when you refuse something that’d make you happy because of someone else. I preferred the selfish you. ‘Cause you were happier. Now, you do all these good-for-the-world things but you’re not gonna fool me, sorry, that might’ve worked before I got to know you. With everything you have going on here, you’re just deciding on missing the most important shit. And I don’t care if I sound like a teenage girl to you or something, that damn man might be one of the best things that have ever happened to you.’

Tony listens to the words, barely registering them and knowing deep inside that Rhodey is right – Tony might have more doctorates and higher IQ, but Rhodey has always knows things Tony could never comprehend – and it hurts.

He never expected playing two strangers to be easy, but he never thought it’d be this tiring.

‘Why didn’t I catch on earlier?’ he asks in the end, keeping his voice quiet, and Rhodey finally lets go of his shoulders.

‘You have no reference point,’ Rhodey says and Tony blinks at the simplicity of that answer.

‘I would have put a stop to it –’

‘Then I’m glad you didn’t catch on,’ Rhodey cuts in firmly. ‘You wouldn’t have the friend you have now,’ he explains and Tony nods. Rhodey’s right. So very right. Neither Tony nor Steve would have a friend they desperately need.

‘So, you say I should just tell him everything? _Everything_?’

‘If you don’t want to screw with him, it’d be nice to be honest. ‘Cause it doesn’t seem fair if it’s just one of you making the decision, whatever that would be. And I’m saying this knowing exactly what is the history between you two.’

‘You’re so savvy about all of this,’ Tony teases, but it’s a bit blanks because he doesn’t have much energy left to argue. Or to prove anything to anyone.

‘Well, I spent my life having _relationships_ with _people_ , not one night stands with supermodels. Guy learns something.’

‘It’s impossible. But I guess you’re right,’ Tony admits, rubbing his face slowly. ‘I need time. I need – I probably should talk to Steve and see how he’s doing.’

‘You do that,’ Rhodey orders him, standing up and stretching his back. ‘I need to let my hands and eyes rest from all this techs stuff before tomorrow. See ya soon, all right?’

Tony nods, still in the same place.

‘And eat that food, you’re too skinny, genius,’ Rhodey adds and disappears into the apartment, leaving Tony alone with his too many thoughts.

 

 

It turns out he doesn’t even need to go and see Steve because Steve takes the first step, which means he calls Tony at night and when Tony wakes up, there is a message JARVIS recorded for him, but it takes Tony a few long hours to actually listen to it because he’s too much of a coward – and because JARVIS has some important news.

‘I have the inventory list, sir. There are a few hundred items, most of them insignificant, but I let myself highlight the ones that seem out of the general theme.’

There are a few notebooks and schematics that JARVIS picked out, as well as two rolls of film with Tony’s name scrawled across them.

‘Have them shipped to New York –’

‘Already did, sir. Should be here in two days.’

‘You’re an angel,’ Tony murmurs. ‘Something else?’

‘As a matter of fact, yes. I was able to trace the weapons’ money trail beyond what S.H.I.E.L.D. managed to do, but it ends after a cash withdrawal from a bank in Côte d'Ivoire.’

‘And that matters because?’

‘The withdrawal was made just a week ago, sir.’

‘Fuck,’ Tony swears, putting the coffee mug he’s been holding onto the table with a thud. ‘Find everything you can, footage, papers, police, anything. Whoever it is, they are dangerous.’

‘On it, sir,’ JARVIS declares and Tony lets himself slump in his chair before he’ll have another look at those arms; weapons are almost like programmer’s code: if you know them well enough, you should be able to recognize the creator by little details. So far Tony hasn’t managed to do that, but it suddenly got top priority, especially for Iron Man. He’s been destroying Stark Industries weapons so far, but some change wouldn’t hurt.

 

 

It’s half past midnight when Tony finally decides to stop staring at the screens and tapping his fingers nervously, wishing JARVIS could do his job more quickly, but that’s just impossible.

There have been a few dozen deaths related to the arms S.H.I.E.L.D. managed to collect so far and presumably a lot more no one knows about – but after midnight even Tony is too tired to keep looking.

‘Sir, there is a message from Captain Rogers waiting for you,’ JARVIS reminds him softly when Tony is making his way to the kitchen to grab something do drink before he tries to fall asleep. Tony gestures at JARVIS to wait and then tells him to play the message as soon as he’s in the bedroom.

 _Nate,_ Steve’s tight voice fills the room, Tony can imagine perfectly the guarded face Steve must have had when he was talking. _I am sorry for getting angry at you like I did. It was uncalled for – but I have to admit that I was disappointed. Not with you, but with the circumstances, for making you back away even when I can tell you want_ something _. You don’t need to disappear because you’re scared you will hurt me._

There is a moment of pause and some cracking before Steve resumes talking.

 _Remember, I’ve seen you running and Bruce told me about the bruises he noticed the other time, he was worried about_ Nate, _and no one else but me connected the dots. I am not sure what it all means, really, it’s just that I have all the available information – I wanted to tell you that if you are hurt or in pain somehow, you can’t tell me to go away. It’s only more of a reason for me to be around, whether you want me or not._

A pause. That’s all so _Steve_.

_I don’t know if you have someone in your life, you haven't mentioned anyone so far, but I want you to know that if you need help, I will be there because even if we can’t be what I’d like us to be, I won’t give our friendship up. And I want you to know that I will always be there when you need me, as someone… more. Or as a friend. Your call. Let – please just let me know you’re all right. And I miss pizza. We could both have pizza now, right? That would be swell. So. I’ll be waiting._

There’s a click and the message ends, making the room fill with heavy silence again, and Tony stays unmoving for a few long moments before he starts laughing because really, Steve is _impossible_. He’s just – unbelievable.

And, Tony has to admit, having some pizza together sounds pretty cool.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading this little piece and please accept my apology for making you wait for so long (can't wait to get RL sorted out... ) I hope you enjoyed it as much as the other parts. I'd be very happy to hear from you and if you have any thoughts on Steve and/or Tony's behavior, please share? I know I mentioned this endless times before, but I'm not good at interacting with humans and those scenes always exhaust me completely.
> 
> You surely noticed the chapter count for this story says 2 so I just want to tell you the next one isn't a real chapter, just a special mini bonus :)
> 
> As always, special questions, requests, update info & lots of randomness on [my tumblr](http://concreteandsun.tumblr.com/).  
>  
> 
> Next time: _Footpaths_ \- January - March 2013 - treading carefully.


	2. bonus

‘Spider Man, could you share with me how spider sense works?’ Ijon asks with his usual kind voice.

‘No,’ Peter murmurs with his mouth full of pizza. Good thing that the Avengers have an amazing fund for food, with Cap and Bruce onboard – and every other resident of the house eats more than an average citizen anyway. ‘I don’t talk about that stuff. With anyone. Period. It’s too touchy, man,’ he clarifies. Truthfully.

‘Of course,’ Ijon agrees politely and Peter wants to say _bullshit_ , but the A.I. speaks up first. ‘Well, at least one thing I know is that it lets you burn through calories much faster than normal humans.’

‘Ha ha,’ Peter says drily, licking the melting cheese off his fingers. That is an accurate observation so he doesn’t deny it. ‘Wait – wait. You can _joke_? How come you can joke? How come I’ve never noticed it before?’

‘I’m a learning system,’ Ijon replies easily and it seems like his voice is less flat than usual, and less polite. As if he were teasing.

‘What else have you learned then?’ Peter inquires, grabbing the last piece of pizza and stuffing it into his mouth. It’s not very comfortable to eat with his mask on, but he’s used to it by now.

‘I’m slowly getting to know each of you better, especially the residents of the Avengers’ Mansion,’ Ijon replies elusively and Peter snickers. Sure. Count on Nate – Iron Man – to create an A.I. that would be good at hiding things.

‘You totally are connected to Nate’s A.I. that he has in his workshop, right?’ Peter continues, wiping his greasy hands on a napkin. ‘And he knows everything that’s going on in here.’

‘There are privacy protocols that Nate respects.’

‘Sure there are,’ Peter mumbles, expecting some kind of a comment, but Ijon does his A.I. equivalent of sudden silence. Peter doesn’t exactly know how he knows that, but he does. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Nothing I can inform you about, Spider Man’ Ijon says easily, telling Peter as much as he needs to know: something _is_ going on.

It isn’t difficult to figure out what, it only takes Peter venturing out of the TV room he tends to spend too much time in when he’s visiting the mansion, whether of his own or watching movies with Steve or Clint or Phil. Or Natasha, but she’s hardly ever around.

Clint and Phil are nowhere to be seen – spending time on their own in their rooms, as always, and Peter can’t help but snicker at the thought, they are so nauseatingly cute when they don’t think anyone is watching – and Natasha is out already. Bruce is never a _problem._ That means it’s Steve. 

Cap is sitting in the middle of a gigantic sofa in the living room, staring at the blank page of a sketchpad in his lap, hands entwined, and he looks as if he was going to throw the pad across the room any second. Or start crying.

Peter steps carefully into the room, cursing his luck: there really isn’t anyone less suited for comforting people than him. Peter is good at being Spider Man, good at fighting and joking around and good at science, but he’s smart enough to realize he lack the ability of dealing with people. Just take his attempts at a relationship: none of them lasted longer than two months. Fifty eight days, to be precise, but he shakes his head to make those numbers go away.

‘Cap? You all right?’ he asks, keeping his voice light and unassuming.

‘Iron Man told me you know he was Nate,’ Steve says, not looking up. The super soldier senses let him know there is no one else around to listen to his words, Peter guesses. ‘Were you angry at him for hiding it?’

‘Well,’ Peter swallows, thinking about the right answer and trying to figure why and how does Steve know _that_ all of sudden. ‘He had the right. Like I do.’

‘Yeah, I know,’ Steve sighs and shoves the sketchpad onto the sofa as he gets up abruptly. ‘I know, of course, and it doesn’t really help. I mean –’

‘You mean you don’t have to be conflicted about them – him – all of sudden,’ Peter guesses, wishing he didn’t say that as soon as the words are out of his mouth. But since he started, he can as well continue. ‘And you _like_ them. Him. So? Doesn’t it get easier now?’

It obviously doesn’t, Peter can tell that from Steve’s body language, but he wants an admission. From his experience, an admission makes things easier. Or at least clearer.

‘I told him,’ Steve admits and Peter wants to bang his head against the wall all of sudden. As if there wasn’t enough craziness going on around, they need a romantic conflict within the team. ‘He said he _couldn’t_.’

‘So he didn’t say he doesn’t want?’

‘He said he couldn’t,’ Steve repeats, pacing around the room, his steps echoing hollowly. ‘Can I tell you something? I – I need to tell this to someone and you’re the only one around who knows about him and I need a friend to tell this to –’

‘Sure, go on,’ Peter encourages Cap, sitting at the edge of the sofa and following Steve with his sharp eyes.

‘He said he still wants to be friends. And I never – I never wanted more than knowing that we are something more. You could call it platonic, I think that’s the word for it. And I still want to be his friend, I just – I need a little bit of time to digest this. He won’t want to talk to me now, I can tell that. He needs time too.’

‘So give him time.’

‘Just like that?’

‘Well, I suck at relationships, but that’s all that makes sense to me right now? You both need to cool down. I guess that’d  be best for you.’

‘If I may,’ a sudden voice speaks up from everywhere at once and both Peter and Steve flinch a little. ‘I do know Nate well enough to be able to offer you my insight.’

‘Does he do that often?’ Peter asks, the corners of his mouth quirking. ‘You know, offer you advice?’

‘I tend to ask him for advice,’ Steve admits. ‘Ijon always has something to tell me and I don’t want to bother everyone with the questions I still have, even though it’s been such a long time since – you know. So, what do you say, Ijon?’

‘While Nate might be reluctant about a face-to-face meeting at the moment, as you certainly must have decided yourself, Steve, a message to him would be a good idea.’

‘You mean, I write him an email?’ Cap asks, frowning slightly.

‘Or leave a voice message,’ Ijon adds and Steve smiles.

‘You know me too well,’ he chuckles and Peter stares at Cap bewildered. He wasn’t aware things like that were going on around here. And Steve – he must get really lonely if his best friend – after Iron Man – is artificial intelligence that runs the house. ‘But not now. I’d need to think of what to say.’

Ijon stays silent and Peter can only imagine how it will be like, with Cap being so sweetly  shy like whenever he’s not being the captain of the team. He isn’t sure what to think about this whole situation, but he has a vague feeling that it’s his fault, at least partially. _He_ was the one to tell Nate that Steve said he likes him and Iron Man the same.

So, he has an obligation to try to fix it – at least temporarily.

‘Well, since we’re in the middle of… something,’ he says, grimacing a bit, ‘I say we should get some food and laze around. Watch a bad movie, I’m like the world’s greatest expert on bad movies. It should help with you-know-what.’

‘Should it?’ Steve asks skeptically, his eyebrows quirked, and Peter wishes they were all less awkward in human interaction. Funny thing: it’s such a great superhero team and they are best at pretending.

‘Well, one word: _chocolate._ And don’t tell me it’s girly,’ Peter warns Steve before he can even try to say something. ‘It’s _science_. It’s scientifically proven so you don’t get to escape from this. Ijon, please get us some food, your choice, but make sure there’s a chocolate pizza in there, or two. Since it’s on the team.’ Peter adds and Steve shakes his head amusedly.

‘You’re impossible,’ Steve comments, sitting back on the sofa, next to the discarded sketchpad, but his voice is laced with fondness. Peter likes that, even though he tries not to admit that even to himself, it feels like finding his place.

‘The order is placed, Spider Man,’ Ijon says quietly. Peter laughs out loud.

‘Anyway, does he play therapist, too? Do you, Ijon?’ he adds, looking up at the ceiling.

Ijon doesn’t answer and that explains everything. Steve has his pencil back in hand already, drawing soft lines on the creamy paper, and Peter climbs onto the back of the sofa and finds a comfortable spot for the minutes they have to wait for the food delivery.

He wonders if the team is worth losing his secret identity and if it would be worth it, being here. Moving in. Taking part. But there’s no rush, he decides. Chocolate pizza first and then he might be ready to think about tomorrow.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this little bonus, a trip outside Tony's POV. Sometimes it's easy to forget, even for me, how much is going on in this 'verse that Tony doesn't take part in. I hope it was at least a bit of a surprise to you :) Let me know what you think and I'll send you all the virtual chocolate pizza. Or I might at least share the recipe if you ask nicely...
> 
> Until next time!


	3. chocolate pizza :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a _real_ chapter!
> 
> I thought I could share the secret recipe with you, since there have been so many wonders about the nature of chocolate pizza. If you like chocolate, there isn't a better way to turn it into a dinner ;d

 

****

 

**chocolate pizza**

250 g flour

2 tbsp sugar

25 g fresh yeast / ½ packet dry yeast

1 tbsp oil

150 ml lukewarm water

 

mix the yeast with sugar and 2 tbsp of water, wait until yeast is dissolved

add the rest of the water and flour, mix until it forms a loose ball, dump onto a floured surface

knead for 5 minutes (add flour if needed, during summer & in warmer and more humid climate you might need a bit more flour)

let the dough rise for about an hour

dump onto a floured surface again, punch it and then form a ball and roll to ½ cm/1/4” thickness, if you want a perfect round shape you might consider cutting out the dough with a big (27 cm/11”) round baking pan

bake in an oven preheated to 190C for 15 minutes

 

**chocolate icing**

100 g chocolate

50 g butter

50 g sugar

1 tbsp water

 

melt the butter in a small pan, add water and sugar and boil, stirring, until the sugar is dissolved

take off the stove and add roughly chopped chocolate, mix until the glaze is smooth

use while hot/warm

 

 

you can either decorate while the crust is warm or cooled down

top with some kind of a chocolate spread (just chocolate, nutella, I used chocolate icing) and your favorite sweet toppings (chocolate chips, m&m's, crushed oreos, fruit slices - babanas & strawberries would be perfect - etc.)

for toasted marshmallows, put them onto the pizza and put it into an oven, top shelf, preferably with top heat/grill, and set the highest temperature, while the oven heats up, the marshmallows will get toasted in 1-2 minutes – be careful not to burn them!

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you suddenly felt the need to bake something, I've got my own corner of the universe that resolves around baking [here](http://everything-is-poetry.blogspot.com/), come and lurk :)


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